MENTAL?

Figments take in turns to read a page from Main’s diary (including the date). Main is sat in chair, hunched over and face covered by hands. Make some sort of gesture when the diary talks about ‘these two’ to make it obvious it’s about them. The last two cards should be read with urgency and fear. After the last card is read, they should be thrown in the air and scattered around the floor.

1st January 2017. I am settling in okay. It seems nice here. It’s quiet. Nothing seems to bother me. They do nicer food here than the last place. My room is bigger. I’m happy about that. My family said I should keep a journal, they said I should keep a journal, they said it’ll help. Oh and they don’t bring my food on a metal tray. I actually get a plate! It’s plastic but it stops me feeling like a prisoner. I’m finally at a place that’s going to make me better.

11th February 2017. I have to see the therapist every week now. These two are really driving me insane. You would call me a mad man if I told you half of the things they say. Like ‘go and jump in front of a car’ I’m like what car – there are no cars here. Just walls.

25th March 2017. The therapists want to put me on medication. Will I take it well, I don’t know. Last time I was on medication, I nearly overdosed. What is the point of medication anyway? It’s only killing us slower right?

8th April 2017. Family came to visit today. First time since I got here. Told me they’re going on holiday for two weeks so wouldn’t be able to visit again until after. I didn’t take that well. I got angry and started shouting at mum. She just kept crying and saying sorry. When I started pushing her, the staff came and took my family away. Now I’m banned from having visitors for a month.

20th May 2017. I am allowed visitors again so the family came and showed me the photos from their holiday. They bought me a t-shirt but I didn’t want it. Dad told me not to be rude and another shouting match began. Mum took my little sister out of the room. The staff intervened again. At least I have these two. They seem to care about me more than my family do.

8th July 2017. I sit silently when my family come. I don’t care anymore. I’ve started to sit in my room in the dark. It’s nice.

29th August 2017. Nothing to write. Family stopped visiting. Therapists still trying to force me to take medication. Staff now have to sit with me at meal times because I've stopped eating. They keep asking if it’s because of the voices in my head. I say what voices? Oh you mean these two. They’re not voices, they’re my friends.

10th September 2017. Nothing to write. What’s the point?

17th November 2017. ALL I WANT IS TO DIE!

15th December 2017. THOUGHTS ARE DANGER!

House Music

House lights

House music fade

House lights fade

Sound- lights turning on

Lighting - warm wash

Main: I don’t know why I’m like this. It just happens. People call me mental. I’m not mental. I’m just me, this is who I am. I don’t know how to change the way I think. (Beat) They take over and I black out. I never know what actually happens when I black out. (Beat) I wake up all tired and I don’t know what I’ve done. When I find out it scares me because I know that’s not me. I wouldn’t do that; I hide away because when they take over I never know what will happen. I’m not conscious when it happens. (Beat) It’s hard to explain… you wouldn’t understand. You’ll just call me mental.

Sound effect of voices

Sound- high pitched

Lighting- colder

Main: Please stop!

Sound stops suddenly

Figment 1: No one wants you.

Main: (Taking a deep breath) Not today.

Figment 2: Why are you bothering?

(Main turn away figment 2)

WHY ARE YOU BOTHERING?!

Main: Stop! Just leave me alone.

Figment 2: You can’t stop yourself… You can’t help yourself; just like you couldn’t help her. Could you?

Main: Please don’t do this. (More pleading)

Figment 1: You could have helped her. She was your friend.

Main: Stop! I don’t want to remember again!

Lighting- warms

Have you ever tried to brush your teeth and had these voices, these people there distracting you? I can’t cope with them and they make me do things and I feel like I can’t stop. Well actually I can stop. I don’t have to do it. But if I don’t, they just won’t stop. So yeah, I stabbed myself this a fork because they told me too. They wouldn’t stop until I did. So I did. You don’t stop until it’s quiet. All you want is quiet. Quiet is peace; it means I’m free. It means they are no longer here and I don’t need to worry if and when they’re going to show themselves. They make me remember things I don’t want to remember.

Sound- high pitched

Lighting- colder

Main: I watched a man abuse his wife.(Looking at the audience.) He never hurt me. I just saw it happen. I just watched. I was scared for her. I could feel her pain. But I couldn’t imagine the pain. I got home and replayed it over and over and over again. Everything else vanished but the sound of her breath and panic. It was the way he was punching her in the stomach. I felt it like a weight in my core. I just froze and watched. Our eyes locked. Her retinas burning into me, pleading. But I just ran. I ran far. I ran all the way home. I slammed my front door shut and locked it. I felt to the floor as the magnitude of what just happened hit me like a train.

(Beating self up)

Figment 1: See, you were weak.

Figment 2: You ARE weak.

Main: Stop making me remember!

Figment 2: You have to remember. You were the one who did it; who left her there alone. Your poor helpless friend left all alone because of you.

Main:(Slowly sitting on the stool.) I was paralysed. With fear, with guilt. I can’t stop seeing her glazed eyes blankly pleading. (Standing up sharply.) What if he saw me? What if he recognises me? Did I just witness a murder? Am I next? Will my lifeless eyes burn in to the soul of a passerby as the circle continues.I’m paranoid.The only safe place was home. Until now. You see, I’m here. I’m not alone. I’m with you.(Looking at figments.) Right?(Looking at audience.) Right.

Lighting- warmer

Sound- stops

Main: As I said they are not just voices, they are people. I don’t really mind that they are there; because they are my friends. My friends that I know won’t leave me. The others left me but I know my friends won’t.

Lighting- colder

Sound- high pitched/ white noise

Figment 1 and 2 stand up and dusts themselves off.

Figment 1: (Putting hand on mains left shoulder.) We’ll always be here for you.

Figment 2: (Putting hand on mains right shoulder.) You can trust us. You have to trust us.

Figment 1: (Holding mains face. Looking in his eyes.) You should rest, you need rest.

Sounds stops

Figment 2: Do you remember when he did that thing in school? (Laughing, making crying actions.)

Figment 1: (Seriously) Oh, yeah I do! He just couldn’t help himself could he?.

Figment 2: He’s so weak.

Figment 1 reads a diary card about that day

Figment 1: This one day I was glaring at the table as if I hated life. As if something so horrific had corrupted my soul. Hopelessness. That’s the only word to describe my gaze. Then I erupted into tears. No one noticed that I was crying. I wanted them to ask me if I was okay, but they left me alone.

Lighting- warmer

Main: Listen I was crying because I needed help and you didn’t help me. You just left me alone. How is that fair?

Figment 1: I didn’t know what you wanted? I never know what you want. You’re always changing your mind.

Main: No, you’re always changing my mind!

Lighting change. Strobe or red.

Main: (Pacing up and down.)

Burning up, sweat dripping down my forehead to my brow. My hands grow clammy. I’m uneasy. Heart racing, beating fast. Like a train speeding past. Knees grow weak. One… two… I count… three… four… to calm myself… five… six… heavy breathing… seven… eight… I’m starting to tremble and shake… nine… ten… it happens again and again..one...two.. I repeat… three… four… I’m burning...five… six… sweat dripping...seven… eight… I can’t escape… nine… ten…when will it end....

High pitched noise

Main hands over ears trying to fight it.

Figment 1: You are useless. Look at yourself; just look!

Figment 2: Nobody cares about you! Not even us!

Figment 1: You are so imperfect it is unreal!

Figment 2: You are a failure!

Figment 1: You are ugly!

Figment 1: You are a bad person!

Main: It’s getting worse. I wake up each day tired in the morning. I didn’t get much sleep last night or the night before or the night before that. All the sleepless nights I spend thinking and thinking. I replay every mistake I’ve ever made over and over again in my head. I beat myself up over it. It consumes my thoughts like a mould on an apple. I can never get it out of my head, it eats me up inside. It seems like I can’t get these thoughts out of my mind. In every undistracted moment I find myself repeating these unwanted thoughts over and over again. No matter what I do I can't stop my mind from thinking over and over again. Even after a good sleep, which hardly ever happens. I wake up and the thoughts start to play all over again. In every undistracted moment I find my mind replaying the unwanted thoughts. These thoughts are like a hamster running on a squeaky hamster wheel in the background. No matter what I’m doing, that squeaky wheel seems to be always turning.

Figment 2: (walking over to figment 1, whispering.) We can’t give up now; we’re winning. Slowly each day taking over.

Figment 1: I’m not too sure that it’s the best idea. Why don’t we help him? Make him feel happy and not alone.

Figment 2: But he’s not alone, he has us.

Figment 1: (Looking away, whispering.) I don’t think so.

Main: People tell me to ignore them but no matter how hard I try they keep at me. And I cry.

I’m hiding what I’m feeling but I’m tired of holding this inside my head. It hurts but I’m used to it. And when people ask me are you okay? I reply I’m just fine. (Starting to cry) but in my head I’m saying;

Figment 2 circling main.

Fighting thoughts sequence.

Figment 2: I’m ugly.

Figment 1: I’m fat.

Main: Even though I hardly eat. The Doctor said I’m losing weight… it’s not my fault. I feel like if I’m left alone with any sort of cutlery I will be a danger to myself and everyone around me. I know exactly what I’d do with each piece of cutlery. With a spoon, a blunt object but I’d use it to gauge out my eyes. So I don’t have to see them anymore or see myself. With a fork you could do many things but I will scalp myself causing the worst pain imaginable. With the knife oh the knife is the weakness I would use it to cut my throat. The blood slowly draining from my body; leaving nothing left of me but a lifeless body. (Pause) This is why I don’t eat.

Figment 2: I’m a failure.

Figment 1: I’m suffering, I want to die.

Figment 2: I hate this world, I hate myself.

Figment 1: I’m grotesque. I wish with my hands I could slowly remove every inch of skin from this face and repaint it with someone else’s soft and delicate skin.

Figment 2: I’m disgusting, I’m just not okay.

Main: I want to go into hiding. Go into hibernation in a deep cave. I don't want people to see me, to see what I have done to myself, to see what I’ve become. I don't want people to see my scars. I fear people will laugh at me, will stare at me, talk about to me. Like I’m some freak at a circus. They'll say

Figment 1: 'look at his arms'

Figment 2: 'look, he just wants attention'.

Main: They don’t know what I’ve been through!

[Cont’d]

They don’t know how it feels to feel hopeless! There seems to be no escaping this cruel world. This hostile world where everything is hunting you down. Is it too much to ask , for some love? A warm and happy feeling in my heart? I guess it is too much. Nothing good will ever happen to me. And I cry.

Bloodshot. That’s what happens to your eyes when you cry too much. I can’t stop crying. You look at me like I’m mad. I know that look. You look at me like I’m mad. (pointing at an audience member) You think I’m mad. Yeah you do (Chuckles.) Are you meaning mad as in mental? Or mad as in angry? I am giving you the look, making you uncomfortable. Have I gone insane? Or have YOU gone insane? Don’t look away. Don’t even blink. (Nervous laugh) you’ve annoyed me so much. What’s so funny about being mental? Tell me ‘coz I want to know! No I will not calm down! I will not calm down! I am mental. Aren’t I?

Blinders

High pitched tone

Lights down

Lights low

Figment 1: He has us doesn’t he?

Main: Lonely? I’m not lonely. How can I be lonely, when you’re here? You’re always with me but...but… they say you’re not. They say I’m crazy. I’m not crazy… it’s… it’s just because you’re my friend! No one understands our friendship. They’re jealous because they don’t have a friendship like ours. We will always be friends won’t we…(beat) why are you ignoring me? Do you think I’m crazy as well? I’m not! I can’t be. Please. Don’t leave.

Figments turn their back to him. Lights fade on them

Main: Please. Please. PLEASE!

Main crying having a breakdown

Lights slow fade on main