I'm being watched

I feel like I’m being watched.

You know that feeling when you are doing something and you feel a burning sensation on the back of your head? That’s the feeling of being watched. I’ll be doing something and then that sensation will happen. I will be in a panic because I live alone. It makes me feel like there is an intruder.

I always check the house. Double checking no one is there. Every so often I notice that objects have been moved ever so slightly or things have appeared. When this happens I question myself if I am losing the plot.

But then I remember that it could be you….

I got home from work and oh What is that? It is so familiar… That smell… I've smelt that before. But wait, it is not something from my collection. Someone has been here! I gasp as I drop my keys. I freeze not knowing what to expect. Someone has broken into my place; my personal space. I feel like I have been invaded. “Who’s there?” I call out my voice trembling. I am scared. I get scared easily. But this is something that I am afraid of most; someone breaking in. There is no answer… I don’t know if it is safe, I don't feel safe. But I should go and investigate. I take a deep breath in and take a look around, everything is how I left it. Nothing has been taken or moved. Has someone been here or am I Imagining this? I’m just paranoid, I tell myself. It’s all the police dramas I have been watching. I keep telling myself that to convince myself there is nothing to be frightened of.

I settled myself and decided a shower and some dinner would be a good idea. I cook up some rice with chicken in a rich creamy mushroom sauce. The aroma filled the air and made me hungry. I scooped up some of the sauce to try, it was very hot and burnt the tip of my tongue. I rushed to the sink and grabbed a glass off of the draining board. I had to drink some water to make the burnt feeling subside. It was cooked. I plated up, left the washing up by the sink to be done after I had eaten. I sat and decided to put on yet another police drama, I chuckled to myself. But not even halfway through the episode, I had that eyes burning into the back of my head feeling. So I quickly looked at the window; nothing! Nothing was there. I just couldn’t shake the feeling that I’m being watched. Is someone spying on me?

With what had happened today, not to my surprise, I didn't get much sleep. It was a very restless night for me. I just couldn’t settle knowing that someone might have been in my house. Someone might be watching me. But why? Why would someone be watching me? I’ve not done anything that could warrant that sort of thing. Before I knew it, it was time to get ready for work. Before leaving for the long day ahead I checked over the house and everything was in its place so I will know if someone comes here.

All through work all I could think about was my house and if someone would break in. I was having a really uneasy day. Every sound, every movement made me a little jumpy. So at last it was the end of the day. It was time to make the journey home, something I was slightly dreading.

I have arrived. The black door that leads into my home. I stood there with my keys in my hands. Trembling inside. I shouldn’t feel this way. This is my home, my personal space. I need to find out who is intruding in my privacy. It needs to end once and for all. I take in a deep breath and brace myself. Unlocking my door and opening it, I am immediately hit with that smell again. I’m frozen. Don't know what to do. They've been here again. My home isn't my home anymore. I can't move, I can't go in. Do I leave? I don't have anywhere to go.The thoughts are like a whirlwind in my head… I’m getting dizzy… nauseous…

I blackout. Hitting the solid pavement. It was cold. Even though I blacked out I could feel, I could hear, I just couldn't see or move. And then it hit me. The flashbacks. The familiar face. The hat. The coat. The shoes. The jumper. The jeans. The smell of cologne. It was you. You were the one who was in my house. But how you had been dead almost two years. Were you really dead? Have you come back? No you are dead. I held you, you died in my arms. I saw you in your coffin. Cold and dead. Lifeless. Dead. you were gone.

How could you be back? How could I smell you? I do miss you. I never forgot about you. I wish you were here. Is that what you are back? All of a sudden the flashbacks changed. It was me walking around my house with your jumper on. I spray your cologne. The smell. It was me. I was doing this to myself? But why?

Because I miss you. I want to hold you close. And that is the only way how.