Fine...

Fine. It's funny because nothing is ever actually fine is it? It's the same thing happening again.

I have to force a smile to appear to the naked eye that I am okay but if only they knew what was going on internally. I'm crying inside. I'm replaying every negative thing that has happened in my life.

Oh I can't even remember a positive memory. I suppress the good and focus on the bad. I know it's not a good thing to do but it's the only way I know how to survive. Most of the time I don't even want to survive…. I'm just not strong enough to end myself. Oh believe me I've tried but I failed. I don't know if it's because deep down I don't want to die or if I can't even kill myself right. They say it's because I want to die by secondary suicide. That means it's someone else's fault but you're okay with dying. I guess they are right because I am not afraid of death.

I just want it all to end. I don't want to have to remember all the bad stuff. I don't want to be laying there until 3...4...5 am feeling the pain from my childhood. I feel so alone and feel like I can't reach out because I fear that no one will believe me. And all I want is to feel safe and loved.

Oh what I'd do to feel loved!

I don't know if or when I've ever felt loved. Maybe I feel that love is the solution to end the suffering to end MY suffering. But the fear of heartbreak and the pain keeps me from wanting love. I run the opposite direction when any affection is given to me. It is hard to process that it is affection as I was never given much as a child.

My childhood is definitely the cause of most of my truma. I have been trying to work my way through my truma it’ll definitely make a difference to me as a person. Once I narrow the suffering down maybe I will be free. Maybe I’ll finally feel free. I give and give as much as I can and I help others a hell of alot just so I feel like they won't end up feeling like me. I don't want others to feel alone. Feeling alone is honestly the worst feeling I go through, because I could be surrounded by people and I will still feel like it is just me.

Does it get easier? No, but you get used to it.

I am just Fine.